From scarcity to abundance

I believe that much of the problems and drama in relationships comes from an unconscious approach, that looks at love, sex, intimacy, touch, and attention as scarce resources that adult humans must compete for. What is a scarcity mindset? A long time ago, I used to have a strong fear of ending up old and …

Audio: Roy on the Authentic Man podcast (ep. 89)

Podcast release date 28 July 2021 I had a long chat with David Chambers of the Authentic Man podcast. Here is his intro to the episode: Polyamory is still a bit of a social taboo, but why? Have we been so entrenched in the idea that one person can only love one person at a …

What would a Poly-normative world look like?

I wanted to run a thought experiment: what would society look like if there was a complete paradigm shift, where monogamy was not the default option but instead, people would consider all relationship dynamics and choose the one right for them? Imagine that there wasn’t any focus on the 2-person dyad model of relationship ideal. …

Unicorns and Dragons

What is a Unicorn? Why is it controversial?

Something that comes up loads in polyamory discussion threads, is the concept of the ‘Unicorn’. It is a hot topic that carries strong opinions and often draws the ire of many polyamorous communities. For newbies, most often, a ‘unicorn’ is thought of as a bisexual woman who joins an established heterosexual couple and is equally …

Noticing red flags in alternative relationships

A red flag means the alert that goes off, when you notice someone is behaving in a way that raises questions about how they might behave in a relationship with you, or saying things that raise suspicion of later toxic behaviour. Most red flags are common to all relationship types and dynamics, be it monogamy …

Jealousy part 3: Our body’s trauma response to jealousy

Oftentimes when jealousy kicks in, we are in a “fight or flight” mode of survival response. Our nervous system perceives a threat and wants to defend. In this article, I look at some techniques for centering and grounding yourself so that you can be get to a more empowered stance for healing.  Our nervous system …

Jealousy part 2: The place between Love and Fear

How can we understand, unpack and process the emotions that we think of as jealousy? This article focuses on jealousy experienced as strong emotions and feelings. Click here to read about how our minds and thoughts influence our experience of jealousy. Our emotional response can be about socialised expectations but that does not mean that …

How lack of boundaries harmed me

If I ask you what your personal boundaries are, would you be able to tell me right away, without sinking into an existential crisis at the magnitude of the question? Until I discovered polyamory and spent a few years figuring it out, I never once stopped to think that I should have clearly defined, self-affirming …

Pre-chat transcript for the ‘Setting boundaries’ workshop

Watch the Instagram video and workshop here. Read the transcript for the pre-workshop chat below. Roy: In some of my past monogamous relationships, I was I was told I was being selfish for wanting things and not respecting their needs and boundaries which I didn’t know about initially because it wasn’t communicated. I started believing …