What follows are statements I’ve personally heard from people who have had something they really wanted to say about polyamory, even if they had never tried it or had wanted to. These criticisms mainly serve to show up a personal bias, ignorance or perhaps unresolved trauma.
– “it’s just lack of commitment”
Do all monogamous relationships have the same levels of commitment? There’s no universal set of commitments for relationships. Sexual fidelity is most common for monogamy but not universal. So long as I commit to my partners in a way they are happy with, what’s the issue?
– “who has the time?”
Do you want to spend 24/7 together? Then monogamy is right for you. Does someone who works full time and sees family and friends on weekends, bad at monogamy? Are long distance relationships not valid? Time is precious so we need to carefully choose how we spend it. For me, that means with loved ones. The issue is less number of partners and more the economic system we have that owns most of our time.
– “being with one person is already hard enough”
If a relationship feels like hard work, iteans either you aren’t compatible or one or both of you haven’t done enough self work to show up fully and authentically. If it’s too much work, definitely don’t try polyamory. Unless, the reason it feels hard is because you are polyamorous by orientation.
– “it’s just a way for men to get more sex”
From research and observations, women and non-binary people are more likely than men to benefit from polyamory. While there are men who claim polyamory in order to have more sexual partners, there are also men who claim to want monogamy in order to get laid, but that doesnt tarnish all monogamous people.
-” it isn’t natural”
Nature is never static. What feels natural is subjective and based on inherited traits and environmental and social influence. Evolution prefers diversity, so having different relating options is actually the most natural thing.
– “your energy will get polluted by the negative energies of multiple people”
This is clearly a concern, so I ensure to cut the energy cord with my partner, and have taken to fastidiously burn sage around my house after they leave and before my next partner arrives. We won’t start fooling around before testing the vibrational frequency of the house, ensuring no energy residue has remained. So far the strategy seems to hold, but please send good vibrations my way just to be safe.
– “you can’t go deep enough with multiple partners”
You can, it just might take longer. Or, you’ll go very deep because you will discover your authentic self in the process.
– “I don’t know anyone who’s done it successfully”
I don’t know anyone who is a billionaire yet I accept that they exist. I know very few people who feel they are doing monogamy successfully. Success in relationships is totally subjective, the measure often being how safe or happy I feel compared to my last relationship.
– “it never lasts”
Neither does life. Longevity isn’t a measure of happiness or success of a relationship. Some polyamorous relationships last a lifetime, some last a week and anything between. Same as monogamous relationships really.
The reason that many people think polyamory does not work has a lot to do with inherent bias informed by the media they consume. On social media, people often post about the struggles they have trying to practice polyamory. Considering that there isn’t much advice and support for it, and not many role models, this is understandable.
However, experiencing relationship problems is not a polyamory specific thing. In any relationship, when we don’t have healthy boundaries for ourselves, we will allow and keep toxic people or unhealthy relationships in our lives.
Polyamory does serve to amplify personal confidence and anxiety issues more than monogamy because:
- We are out of our comfort zone trying new things.
- It is easier to see a pattern when we have parallel relationships.
- The focus on honesty leads to more vulnerability.
Partners that we feel are needy or demanding, are a reflection of our own poor boundaries. Happy, healthy and calm polyamory is very much possible and practiced by many. It is not always easy to see, as support groups, agony columns and social media in general tend to show the difficult side. People who don’t need support don’t often post how everything is wonderful. Practicing polyamory is very time consuming even when everything runs smoothly.
