Question
What is my question? I guess I had a relationship with someone recently. It was all mainly virtual, even though he met in person and he was polyamorous, and that’s something I’ve been interested in a long time. But I just fear that his polyamory was like him running away from his feelings a little bit.
I asked him what his version of polyamory was, and he said he’s like a monk with a Hareem of women, which, yeah, it made me feel great. And I just like I really am about to read abolish the family by Sophie Lewis. Like I’m a very unconventional person, and I’ve often had feelings for two people at the same time, even if I’ve not been in relationship with them. And yeah, I guess I’m really interested in it and wanting to try it, but I guess there’s this fear that the men I meet are going to be lacking in consciousness and wanting to I don’t know, as this guy that I was previously sort of getting to know said it was a free pass, which to me, didn’t sound ethical, even though he was trying to engage in it ethically. So I guess, yeah, it’s about fear of these men.
Answer
I think that you have good instincts and can rely on them guiding you. There are certainly some straight men out there who are hijacking the terminology of polyamory and non-monogamy, in order to continue being avoidant of commitment and enjoy casual connections without entering committed relationships.
There is no judgment in wanting casual and it isn’t hard to be upfront about it. I know lots of women who want the same thing. Using polyamory as a tactic is quite reprehensible.
If your question is how to avoid coming into contact with such men, I don’t think that is possible
I can suggest that you start having the conversations around values and what does commitment mean to you, much earlier in the communication process. When people who are openly non-monogamous meet, it’s quite common to bring up relationship style, relationship values and communication even on the first date. Why wait for feelings to emerge before finding out that you don’t match on relationship values? Polyamory, as a relatively new term, is not commonly understood in the same way by everyone, and as mentioned, some people intentionally misuse it. So head-off dissappointment later and start as you mean to go on.
This article gives some tips on the kinds of questions to ask early on a non-monogamous date.
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