It’s a reality of dating life when practicing various forms of multigamy (non-monogamy) that not everyone can be assumed to practice with the same values, do so ethically or consensually, or have the same ethical framework as me. Sometimes we may both say we are polyamorous, but come at it from very different perspectives, life experience and intention. In my past, I have entered a committed, co-living, polyamorous relationship without fully discussing and identifying our shared and differing values and what boundaries do we want to place for ourselves that are not negotiable.
When people meet each-other in community, or on dating apps, the challenge and frustration is often that the other person might represent themselves according to our desires, but not in an authentic way. This may only become apparent after we have spent time and energy, and have become emotionally invested in them. In some cases, people present themselves as polyamorous but neglect to mention they are partnered and their partner has not consented to this at all! Or they may practice a version of non-monogamy that is not aligned with your values (Don’t ask, don’t tell; One-penis policy etc, Unicorn Hunting etc.)
So what can we do to avoid disappointment, frustration and resentment? How can we empower ourselves to avoid connecting with people who do not, in fact, share our core values?
Here is a list of questions you can ask when someone asks you on a date, or says yes to your invitation. While it may seem like some of these questions are very direct and even intrusive, I hope that we can normalise managing expectations as early as possible, and becoming empowered with knowledge. You may decide to bring some of these topics up on the first or second date. Either way, it is perfectly valid to want to know this before deciding if this is a connection that is worth pursuing.
Questions about Transparency and Communication
- Are you currently single or partnered?
- If partnered, how many partners?
- What agreements and boundaries do you have with your partner/s?
- What kind of information, and to what level, do you share with your partner/s about others?
Questions when there is hierarchy and specific living arrangements
- What are your living arrangements?
- Is your hierarchy something you both opted into, or is it situational?
- Have you and your primary discussed hierarchy and unpacked your couple’s privilege?
- What are your agreements and how far does your autonomy and agency extend?
- Do you give each other veto power over other connections?
- If we were to form a relationship, can we make agreements all together, or must I simply accept the agreements you already have in place?
- What challenges have come up in your polyamory journey and how have you resolved them?
Questions about interaction between metamours
- Where are you on the scale from Kitchen Table Polyamory to Parallel Polyamory?
- If this is not your ideal, where would you like to be on that scale and what are you doing to get there?
- Would I be able to meet your other partner/s?
- If no, why not?
- If yes, at what stage of the relationship would you or them want that to happen?
Questions about privacy and information sharing
- Are you public about being polyamorous/open with family, friends and work?
- If we were to date, would our connection need to be kept a secret from anyone? What are the reasons?
- What information does your partner feel they need to know about our connection? Do I get a say in what you share about me?
This article is a collaboration with Anna Tam, co-organiser of the London Polyamory community.
