By Roy Graff | Open Relating
I’ve spent years working with people who are exploring the far edges of what society traditionally thought a relationship can look like. Some were questioning whether monogamy is the right fit for them. Some were already living multigamously (non-monogamously) but carrying the emotional weight of having to hide it. Some were trying to understand why their emotional world doesn’t match the cultural script they were handed.
So in December 2022, I decided to ask.
I surveyed 854 people who currently identify as polyamorous or practicing multigamy. What came back wasn’t just data, it was a detailed, human portrait of a community that is rarely studied, often misrepresented, and deeply thoughtful about how and why they love the way they do.
Here’s some of what I found.
Polyamory isn’t a phase or a reaction. For most people, it feels like who they authentically are.
One of the most significant findings in the research was how strongly respondents connected polyamory to their identity and sense of self.
97% agreed with the statement: “Polyamory is an expression of my authentic Self.”
95% said monogamy feels restrictive to them.
90% said polyamory is integral to their identity.
83% said it feels like an orientation – not a choice they make every morning, but something closer to who they fundamentally are.
This is a significant finding. There is ongoing debate about whether polyamory constitutes an orientation in the way that sexual orientation does. But when nine out of ten people in a large-scale survey say it feels that way to them, that’s worth taking seriously. As one respondent put it: “I feel like it’s always been who I am and not something I can change about myself.”
Religion shaped a lot of people’s values and world view, and most people have moved away from it as they started asking questions
84% of respondents grew up with Christianity as their dominant religion. Yet when asked how they currently identify spiritually, the vast majority described themselves as spiritual, questioning, agnostic or atheist. Only 19% still identify as religious.
That’s a significant shift, and it makes sense when you consider what many people in the polyamorous community have had to actively unlearn, including messages about ownership, exclusivity, purity and shame that are deeply embedded in most Western religious frameworks.
When asked whether their religious or cultural background had helped or hindered their practice of polyamory:
- 46.5% said it made things more difficult
- 38% said it neither hindered nor supported them
- 12% said it supported and enabled their journey
That almost half of respondents experienced their background as an obstacle is a striking finding. It speaks to the psychological work that many people in this community undertake — not because there is something wrong with them, but because the culture they were raised in actively taught them that loving this way was wrong.
I think that another connection that exists with religion, is the comfort people who are raised within faith communities find, in being a part of a close-knit community. Mutual support can also be found in queer, kink and polyamory focused communities. This may explain why many who leave religion, feel drawn towards such communities.
The polyamorous community is not who you think it is
One of the most persistent myths about polyamory, and multigamy more broadly, is that it’s primarily driven by a desire for sexual novelty and variety. The data tells a very different story.
Gender identity: 54% identified as women, 25% as gender-queer or non-binary, and 21% as men. For context, studies in the general population put the non-binary figure at between 0.1% and 6%. The polyamorous community is significantly more gender-diverse than the wider population.
Sexual orientation: Only 20% of respondents identified as heterosexual — compared to an estimated 85–90% in the general population. 46% identified as bi or pansexual. 17.5% as gay or lesbian. 16.5% as heteroflexible.
Sexual attraction: This is where the “it’s all about sex” myth really falls apart.
- 40% identify as demisexual — meaning they need to form an emotional connection before experiencing sexual attraction
- 31% identify as sapiosexual — meaning intellectual connection is primary
- 16% are on the asexual or greysexual spectrum
- 14% identify as megasexual
In other words, the majority of people in this community experience attraction that is emotional, intellectual or relational — not primarily physical. The stereotype of polyamory as a vehicle for sexual novelty does not reflect who these people actually are.
Neurodiversity and polyamory: a connection worth paying attention to
This wasn’t a question I originally set out to explore in depth, but the responses were too significant to ignore.
53% of respondents identified as neurodiverse. A further 24% were unsure. This compares to estimates of around 15–20% in the general population.
Of those who identified as neurodiverse, 53% believed their neurodiversity was a factor in their practice of polyamory or non-monogamy.
When I asked people why, several themes emerged consistently:
People with ADHD often seek novelty and new experiences, and the ability to form multiple connections can meet that need in a healthy way.
Many people who grew up with autism or a late diagnosis had already been living outside of social norms – which made questioning relationship norms feel less daunting.
Others described how neurodivergent thinking makes it easier to question inherited structures: if something doesn’t make logical sense to me, I’m not going to accept it just because everyone else does.
There is also something to be said about community. Because of the stigma polyamory still carries, the people who practice it tend to build close, warm, accepting spaces. For people who have spent their lives feeling like they don’t quite fit — that kind of belonging is profound.
Coming out as polyamorous: the gap between friends and family
The research also explored what it feels like to be out – or not – as polyamorous.
55% are publicly out as polyamorous.
But the picture changes significantly when we look at specific relationships:
- 91% feel accepted by their close friends
- 31% feel accepted by their family
- 35% are out to family but do not feel accepted
- 30% have told nobody in their family at all
- 2% were cut off by family after coming out
The gap between friendship acceptance (91%) and family acceptance (31%) is one of the most striking findings in the entire study. It suggests that the chosen family many polyamorous people build isn’t a preference — for many, it’s a necessity.
Coming out as polyamorous tends to happen later than coming out with a sexual or gender identity. The largest group came out about their relationship identity in their 20s, with a significant number not coming out until their 30s or beyond 40. This makes sense: there is far less cultural visibility, language or support for relationship identity than for gender or sexual identity. Most people spend years inside a relationship model they inherited before they find the words for what they actually want.
Why do people choose polyamory? It’s more complex than you might think
Drawing on both my own research and existing academic work, six broad themes emerged as motivations for engaging in multigamy :
Autonomy — the importance of bodily and relational autonomy, and the ability to be authentic rather than performing a version of yourself shaped by someone else’s expectations.
Belief systems — a genuine philosophical commitment to freedom, personal ethics and the idea that one person cannot and should not be expected to meet all of another person’s needs.
Relationality — the ability to build community, chosen family and friendships without the constraints of a closed dyadic structure. Many respondents spoke about compersion — the feeling of joy at seeing a partner happy and fulfilled.
Sexuality — the freedom to explore complex and evolving sexual identities. For many, non-monogamy provides a structure that can hold that exploration.
Growth and expansion — perhaps the most consistently mentioned theme across all the interviews. People described polyamory as a practice that forced them to confront fears, develop self-awareness, improve communication and become more emotionally honest than they had ever been in monogamous relationships.
Pragmatism — for some, polyamory is simply a practical fit. It accommodates the realities of life: different interests, long-distance periods, complex work schedules, or the recognition that expecting one person to be everything to another is neither realistic nor fair.
What the research is really telling us
What strikes me most, having conducted and analysed this research, is the depth of intentionality in this community.
People who practice polyamory are, on the whole, embracing commitment greater intimacy. They are people who have done significant inner work to understand who they are, what they need and how to relate to others honestly.
The most common thread across 854 responses, 40 video interviews and 35 in-depth follow-up questionnaires was this: a deep commitment to self-growth, to examining inherited beliefs, and to living in a way that feels genuinely true.
As one respondent described it: “I feel more at peace with myself. When spending time with my partners, I feel more present in the moment in comparison to when I was committed to only one person.”
That doesn’t sound like someone avoiding intimacy. That sounds like someone who finally found their way into it.
Want to explore what this means for you?
If this research has resonated with something you’ve been feeling but haven’t quite had words for, you’re not alone. Many of the people who took part in this study described exactly that: spending years with a quiet sense that the standard relationship model didn’t quite fit, before finally finding a framework that did.
If you’re at the beginning of that exploration, my free guide “Is Polyamory Right for Me?” is a gentle, honest starting point with no pressure and no assumptions.
And if you’re further along the journey, navigating the emotions, the relationships, the coming out, or the inner work that polyamory tends to demand, I work with individuals and partners to support exactly this.
